![]() ![]() When this happens, intervene and say to your child: The most effective time to identify what triggers your child is right when the child starts to lose it. If you know your child’s triggers, you can teach your child how to stay in control. You shouldn’t give in to the meltdown, but you also have to understand what triggers it. Rather, I’m saying it’s an option and something to consider if appropriate. Understand that I’m not advising every parent to do this. But it’s also risky to give in over and over again. You’re putting the pressure back on the child to behave appropriately. I’m going out to the car, and I’ll call the security guard, and maybe they can help you out.” If they try to play the game of “you can’t make me” say: Obviously, you wouldn’t leave a four-year-old in a store, but with an older child who can take care of himself, this can be effective. “I’m leaving the store, and if you resist or fight me, I’ll be in the car. If you do that, we’re leaving the store.” “Sometimes, when you don’t get your way, you get upset, and you yell and roll on the floor. Make sure your child knows before you go in that if he has a meltdown, then you will leave. ![]() I tell parents that when a meltdown happens in a store, leave the store. The store is another place where meltdowns are common. If you don’t calm down, I’m going to turn around, and we’ll go home.” The next time that happens, I’m going to pull over to the side of the road, and I’m going to give you five minutes to get yourself under control. “Sometimes, when we’re in the car, you get upset and start screaming. If your child has outbursts in the car while you’re driving, talk to him before the next outing. With younger children, parents should not give in. Don’t Give In When Your Child Has a Tantrum It’s a payoff for the child, and as long as he gets paid off, he will keep acting out. ![]() And your actions say loud and clear that if you throw a tantrum, you get an ice cream cone. Sure, he may hear your words, but he listens to your actions. Here’s the problem: your child understood that he threw a tantrum and got an ice cream cone. They don’t have to deal with the stress because everyone else is busy running around trying to calm him down, and they eventually give in to him.Īfter multiple episodes of acting out, the parents are left scratching their heads, thinking, “I explained this to him a thousand times. They’ve learned a problem-solving skill that says, “If I’m disruptive to other people, then it solves my problem.” Rather, they’ve figured out that tantrums and meltdowns work for them. He just has to act out so that his parent takes care of all that. He doesn’t have to learn how to be patient, manage his anxiety, and deal with stress. When a child gets stressed and acts out, and the parent gives in, that’s as far as the child needs to go. If the parents don’t respond effectively, the child learns that having a meltdown or a temper tantrum will help him accomplish a goal. And since they can’t flee the situation, they fight, and the way that they fight is by acting out or having a meltdown. They’re stuck, whether at the mall, in the car, or at grandma’s house. And very often, flight is not an option because they can’t get out of the situation. If a child is confronted with a situation that he hasn’t learned how to manage yet, his response is fight or flight. The second reason is that meltdowns have worked-they’ve seen that when they have a tantrum, they get what they want. The first reason is that they do not have enough tools to manage their feelings in a new situation or event. Kids have meltdowns and temper tantrums for two reasons. And as long as something works, it’s human nature not to change it. And when he gets his ice cream, the parent has inadvertently taught him that meltdowns work. He just wants to control you and get an ice cream cone. In this situation, the kid has nothing to lose and everything to gain, and he doesn’t care what people think. You feel like a bad parent, and you think everyone around you considers you a bad parent. You do have more to lose: you’re embarrassed, and you can’t accomplish your goal of shopping in the mall. When a child throws a tantrum at the mall and kicks and screams on the floor, he’s saying, “You have more to lose than I do.”Īnd he’s right. They learn what their child has taught them: if you make me uncomfortable, I’m going to make you uncomfortable. ![]() In my experience, parents are very resistant to the idea of their kids being unhappy or uncomfortable. And the next time their child is uncomfortable, he or she will simply throw another tantrum. In both cases, the parent may stop the meltdown, but they haven’t taught their child to behave more appropriately. They either go to one extreme and yell, threaten, restrain, or even spank the child, or they go to the other extreme and give in. The parents I’ve worked with often have ineffective ways of responding to and managing their child’s meltdowns. ![]()
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